1000 Days of Grace

Day 120: No Complaints

2008-01-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

Grace is an effective tool.
It will bring you trust.
It will bring you appreciation.
It will bring you love.
It will bring you prosperity.
Yogi Bhajan

Day 120. According to Kundalini Yoga tradition, this is the day when the practice becomes who I am. As I practice twice daily.....I AM GRACE OF GOD.

I will write more later, but I am well and everyday I feel more authentic.

Blessings to you,
Lisa

Day 101: The Practice of Graceful Relations

2008-01-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain.
Maya Angelou

It's Day 101 of my practice. According to yogic tradition, at 40 days, I created a new habit. At 90 days, I confirmed that habit. At 120 days, the habit is who I am. At 1000 days, I will have mastered the habit. 880 days to navigate on my own, without any benchmarks. I'm feeling a bit anxious about this. You see, I love my practice and the way it bookends my day. It is comfortable and comforting. I also appreciate the 40, 90 and 120-day milestones that mark the path. Why the long stretch between 120 days and 1000 days? Perhaps it is about bringing the practice into my everyday life. Perhaps this 880 days will focus on moving the Grace of God meditation "off the mat" and into my relationships? As I pondered this, support, help and guidance arrived in the form of a 21-day challenge and a purple silicone "complaint-free world" bracelet.

Here's the challenge: go 21 days without complaining.

Unity minister Will Bowen offered that challenge to his congregation. He passed out purple bracelets with a simple charge: "if you catch yourself complaining, take the bracelet and move it to the other wrist." A year or so later over 6 million people have taken up the challenge, trying to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping, and, in the process, creating a new, beneficial habit.

I've been on day 1 for at least 3 weeks. From reading Bowen's book A COMPLAINT FREE WORLD and the website www.acomplaintfreeworld.org, I understand that it takes most people 4-8 months to make it 21 consecutive days. It is a challenge, but it can be accomplished. I found out how challenging it can be just this morning. I rose at 5:00 and practiced yoga for an hour. When I finished, our cats waited patiently by their food bowl. I saw that the bowl was pretty full. Chocolate and Vanilla just looked at me, waiting for me to scoop some fresh food on top of what was already there. I heard myself speak my first words of the day. "You already have food!." I looked at the clock. 6:12 a.m. I moved my bracelet. My first words of the day were a complaint....and they were directed at my cats!

When I began this challenge, I considered myself an optimistic, peaceful, generous person. I thought, "I don't complain that much....this should be easy. Maybe it will be good for my family and the students in my yoga classes." So, while waiting for my official bracelet to arrive, I put a rubber band on my wrist and started. I spent the entire day astonished as I noticed how rare it was for me to have a complaint-free conversation. My rubber band broke from being moved so many times in a single day. Like most of us, I am an optimistic, peaceful, generous person. I'm also a whiny, griping, gossipy, complaining, critical person....and the first object of my attacks? Myself.

I thought that I used language carefully and that I was aware of the words I spoke. But the truth of the matter is that I am on conversational auto-pilot most of the time and that auto-pilot may not have my best interests at heart. The autopilot seems to spend most of the time, yes, complaining, criticizing and gossiping. This auto-pilot is both external and internal, guiding my conversations with others and my conversations with myself.

Bowen spends a good portion of his book defining "complaint". In practical terms, to me, it has come to mean a spoken expression of dissatisfaction. Gossiping? Complaining as bragging. We gossip to make ourselves look better by comparison. Criticism? Complaining with a sharp, personal edge.

What I realized very quickly was that habitual griping doesn't nourish me, it offers the conversational equivalent of fast food. I use complaining, gossiping and criticizing primarily to elicit sympathy or approval. I get that quick hit of superficial affirmation from another person and I think I'm good to go. Being happy and content? That's not a benefit of complaining. I also realized very quickly that complaining poisons my life. When I complain I take every situation way too personally. I believe everything I think. If I have a mantra these days it is this: Don't believe everything you think.

Maybe you're thinking, as I did, that some complaints are necessary and that it's healthy to complain -- after all, you don't want to hold your feelings in. When we complain, we are saying that "something is wrong" and we intentionally increase the level of stress in our lives. We stop breathing deeply. Muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, bodies ache and we don't sleep well. Complaining is not good for our health.

I have a very specific intention for the practice: to reset my everyday attitude to one of appreciation. Bowen writes, "Your attitude, an outward expression of your inner thoughts, dictates how people will relate to you."

A student in one of my yoga classes once said, "You are so calm and peaceful. I just want to take you home with me." I looked at her and quietly said; "Don't assume I'm like this at home." Perhaps that is my true motivation, to build deeper more graceful relationships with my family and to model this practice for my three sons, ages 13, 11 and 8.

Does that mean that I will remain silent when something happens that needs to be remedied? No. It just means that I will be more attentive, choosing my words and my tone of voice with care. I will probably choose silence more. I will speak with less fear and anger. I will look very carefully for the blessings in challenges. Perhaps, through this practice, I will become the change I wish to see in the world.

Blessings to you in this brand new year,
Lisa

Day 98: Crossing the Threshold

2007-12-30T15:53:00.000-08:00

This is me taking a deep breath as I sit down to write in 46 days. When I wrote "What I Know For Sure", I was overwhelmed and barely keeping my head above the churning waters of my life.

Another deep breath. I want to cross the threshold of the new year with a lighter load. The first step? Naming the experiences of the past 46 days with curiosity and compassion. On one level, I feel like I've been abducted by aliens (who just recently returned me to earth). On another level, I feel more engaged with the ingredients of my life than ever before.

The ingredients include family, children, teaching, practicing.....perhaps, as writer David Richio states, "serenity comes not only from accepting what we cannot change by from giving up trying to be in control."

It takes 40 days to change a habit and 90 days to confirm that habit. These days between 40 and 90 have been all about control. Even as I have kept up with the practice, I have been tempted, hounded and plagued by all manner of situations that have demanded my attentive presence and resisted my attempts at control.

The threshold I'm crossing? One that moves from the 90 days of confirming a habit to the 120 days where the new habit is who I am. I'm really attentive to the words, the mantra I'm repeating 150 times twice a day. I AM GRACE OF GOD.

This mantra is an affirmation that retrains my mind. It is a consciously chosen thought. It is a tool for transformation and, I feel, will carry me across this threshold. Richio speaks in his book THE 5 GIVENS OF LIFE, of Grace as "the spiritual complement to effort", a source that "grants us the gift of transcending our ordinary limits." "Grace means that we are not alone; we are always accompanied."

Day 60: Thanksgiving. My father-in-law came up for dinner. It was clear that something was wrong with him physically....his health seems to be deteriorating.

Day 62: Henry's 11th birthday. It didn't live up to his expectations ("not enough present"). I'm still opening my heart to that experience. I felt crushed. Michael, my father-in-law came up for the celebration. We knew that something was wrong.

Day 64: Michael's kidneys are failing. Tests.

Day 67: Michael admitted to the hospital. Mike, my husband, cares for him. The boys and I are on our own for the time being.

Facing the bluntness of reality is the highest form of sanity and enlightened vision....Devotion proceeds through various stages of unmasking until we reach the point of seeing the world directly and simply without imposing our fabrications....There may be a sense of being lost or exposed, a sense of vulnerability. That is simply a sign that ego is losing its grip on its territory; it is not a threat.
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Michael is home from the hospital now. My mother -in-law returned from her sister's in Arkansas. They both need a lot of care from Mike. We've celebrated Calvin's 13th birthday and my 46th. I've passed 90 days of of continuous practice. Christmas was peaceful.

I feel useful.

Blessings to you as you prepare to cross your threshold,
Lisa

Day 52: What I Know For Sure

2007-11-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling at ease with the pace of my life right now. One event in the past two weeks highlighted areas of tension and stress in my life and areas of grace and well-being.

I led a "Lose To Win" class at the Y for my dear friend Paula. It's a weight-loss program that meets weekly. I found the program -- the combination of support and accountability to be invaluable over the last year. Facilitating the class gave me an opportunity to review the past year. I printed out a chart of my weekly weigh-ins to show the participants what it looks like to lose 35 pounds in a year. I also made a list for them of "What I Know For Sure."

Here it is:

What you practice grows stronger.
Focus on paying attention to your life and increasing the quality of your life.
Give up one small, meaningful thing/food.
Keep one small, meaningful thing/food.
Allow for sane indulgences.
Sit down and slow down when you eat.
Weigh in once a week.
Get honest about what you eat....keep a food journal.
Get honest about how much you move...keep activity journal.
Get enough sleep.
Lighten up! Smile!
Cultivate gratitude.
Treat yourself with kindness.
Let other people do it their way.
Breathe!
Notice when you compare yourself with others. Ask youself, "What's up with this?"
Notice how you are spending your money.
Notice how you are spending your time
Notice how you are spending your energy.
Gather support.
Look for a few people to support you unconditionally.
Trust your support team to give you a kick in your ass when you need it.
Be willing to change.
Be willing to feel discomfort.
Notice when you complain.
Practice restraint.
What are you willing to change about your behavior?
What are you willing to change about yourself?
What are you unwilling to change?
Remember: when change seems impossible, acceptance is available.
Eat simple foods.
Learn to wait. Patience pays.
Sweat every day.
Explore your personal superstitions.
Eat breakfast.

This list is in the order it fell out of my head...much as this blog "falls" out of my head. It is about the energy of first thoughts, first images, first feelings. I don't spend a lot of time crafting these entries. This blog is about process, not product.

As I review these entries and as I led the class, I was astonished by how much I had changed over the past year through these practices. I was also astonished by how much resistance and stubborness was still present. Yoga, Meditation, Prayer, Teaching, Marriage, Friendship, Eating....all practices. At this point in my life, I know with certainty that I am a beginner, a learner. I feel humbled, supported and loved by these practices. Grace.

I feel tension and stress about the pace of my life, about the pace of my sons' lives....they seem to be growing and changing with each breath....about the challenging health of my in-laws and my husband's growing responsibility for their care. I feel shaken by my sister-in-law's diagnosis of cancer.

I feel grace and well-being as well. I'm finding it challenging to check in with or identify sometimes, but I feel it there, every present. Even in the midst of November sadness, even when a dear woman looked at me and spoke gently of my grief. Yes, there is tension, stress, sadness and grief....and it is all contained in a spacious container of grace.

Day 40: Light and Shadows

2007-11-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

After "starting over" twice, my first 40 days is complete. As Gurmukh wrote regarding 40-day meditations, "40 days has historically been known as a very sacred time period. It is the length of time referred to in many ancient scriptures for enacting change. Doing something for 40 days can make or break a habit in a person. If you are consistent in your personal practice, it can clear old subconscious patterns, set up new positive patterns, and change your life for the better."

During this first 40 days I've been focused on settling in to the rhythm. I began in late summer and now, winter is fast approaching. Some years, I ease into the rhythm of the fall. This year there were a lot of fits and starts, not just with the 40 day practice but in all areas of my life. Nothing was simple and easy. Calvin broke his arm. Henry got braces. Roger had a hard time transitioning to 2nd grade and the increased need to settle down. Big changes. My children are no longer small and their needs have changed. I've had to spend time exploring my habits as a mother in order to respond. I have to learn to respond to where they are now -- not where they were or where they might someday be. I feel like much of my life is filled with light and shadows. I began to ask for support in moving between the light and shadows....letting my life and the pace of my life be spacious enough to hold the light and shadows, the comfortable and the uncomfortable.

So my next milestone is 90 days. It takes 40 days to change a habit. 90 days to confirm the habit.

I don't believe that it is a coincidence that this first 40 day cycle of the larger 1000 day cycle is ending on November 2nd. My father passed away on November 2, 1981. I feel his presence strongly right now. He was 46 when he died and I will turn 46 on my birthday next month. My intention between now and day 90 (Saturday, December 22nd) is to explore my relationship with him...to gain insight and understanding. My sense is that there is much to discover in the next 50 days. As the Goddess Tarot card I drew stated, I have been given an "opportunity to work through the "manure" of my past to better fertilize my life". The card was ESTSANATLEHI or "Changing Woman", the benevolent corn goddess.

Blessing to you on this day of light and shadows.

Day 39: Trick-or-Treating with Dick Cheney

2007-11-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's day 39 and I am well. Last night I went trick-or-treating with Dick Cheney. A few months ago, my oldest son, Calvin, 12, decided he wanted to be Dick Cheney for Halloween. I wasn't so sure about it. At first, I was dead set against it. We live in a small, conservative town and, as the local yoga teacher, I am definitely an NPR-listening, school wellness policy-supporting, pro-choice democrat (I think there may be an even dozen of us now) who thinks it's insane that gay marriage is even an issue. I just didn't see an upside to dressing up as the Vice President.....even without a shotgun. Also, our plans included standing on our church's doorstep (the Methodist church, right smack dab in the center of town), handing out candy and glow-in-the dark bracelets and asking for UNICEF donations. It just seemed a bit over the top.
But Calvin persisted and I finally agreed. The mask covers his head completely and comes with glasses. He added a $1 men's suit coat from the City Mission Thrift store and he was good to go.
And I set to fretting and worrying. What would happen? Would people give "Dick Cheney" candy? Would people think that he was pro-Bush/Cheney and the vision of America? Would people think he was being disrespectful? What if....what if....what if...my mind reeled in anticipation of danger. I was filled with fear about what might happen.
Then I looked up the definition of fear. Fear is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by the anticipation or awareness of danger. Aha! Fear so often happens in response to what MIGHT occur, not in response to what is ACTUALLY occurring. Go figure. I am mostly frightened by what might happen. When I write this, I realize fear is not all that scary anymore.
Last night, Calvin donned the mask and suit. It was eerie and hysterically funny and very disconcerting to hear his calm voice emanating from the mask. From a distance, he looked like the Vice President. I took a deep breath and told him, "If you're going to be Dick Cheney, own it. Respond to people as the Vice President. Don't explain, just enjoy."
Calvin was the hit of the evening. People just laughed. Some were actually startled because to them, he just looked like an old guy coming down the street. Everyone enjoyed a visit from the Vice President. The highlight of his evening was when he approached Mrs. D.'s door. Now, Mrs. D. is old school. To get a treat, you have to work for it -- dance, sing -- you have to do something. She took one look at Calvin and, without missing a beat, said, "I am honored that you have come to my house to trick-or-treat, Mr. Vice President."
When I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Sometime the most unexpected situations carry grace. Last night, a 12 year old boy dressed as Dick Cheney was the most graceful presence of the evening. I am thankful that I relaxed and made space for it to happen.
And the rest of the month?
I revised my October entry into a piece for NPR's series "This I Believe"....otherwise known as NPR's version of America Idol. I didn't make "the cut" to read it over the air, but am so happy to see it published on their website. Check out http://www.thisibelieve.org/. Go to Search Database and search "temoshok" and you'll go right to my essay. I encourage you to try your hand at it. Calvin is working on one for school ("I believe in Alfred E. Newman"). There are some very wonderful essays on the site.

Day 12: I Believe In Giving Up "Toast"

2007-10-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever listened to NPR's ongoing "This I Believe" series?

The premise is simple: people are invited to write a brief essay on something they believe. That's it. It started back in the 1950's, disappeared and was resurrected recently. I checked the CD collection of essays out of the library to listen to this week. It was remarkable and started me thinking: what do I believe?

Here's my response: I believe in giving up toast.

I gave up toast on September 1, 2006. That was the last day I made myself toast. Two pieces of whole-grain fresh bread with real butter and strawberry preserves. I ate the toast for breakfast while I enjoyed a mug of English Breakfast tea with milk and sugar. It was a Friday and the last weekend of the summer. As I ate breakfast, I realized that it was time to give up toast.

On that day, I didn't feel at home in my body. I practice and teach yoga and a sense of ease in my body is important. I didn't have a goal weight in mind, I just knew that I needed to move more, to eat less and find companions for the journey.

The first step was, in many ways, the most essential. I savored the toast and tea, feeling gratitude for every bite. When I was finished, I rinsed the plate and cup and breathed a sigh of relief. No more toast. It was the most important symbolic step I could take.

Why toast? I love toast. When I feel overwhelmed by life, I could always count on the comfort of toast and tea. Good, whole grain bread, real butter, real preserves or jam along with tea made in a pot and poured into a cup with warmed milk and sugar restored me. Toast and tea nourished me.

Sometimes the small gestures are the most important. I didn't give up all wheat products or all carbohydrates. I simply let go of the one that meant the most to me.

For me, opening to Grace meant giving up toast. Authentic change is Grace. Perhaps Grace is, in many ways, a combination of will-power AND surrender.

In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali writes tapas svadhyaya ishvara pranidhana kriya yoga. Tapas (discipline) svadhyaya (self-study) ishvara pranidhana (surrender to God)....these are the actions (kriya) of yoga (union).

Giving up toast, something I love (discipline), witnessing my response to the little letting go I feel when I fix myself a cup a tea (self-study), walking away from the toaster (surrender to God). Do I miss it? Occasionally. But when I feel that longing, I breathe and dive deep, like fish dive when a storm causes great waves. I feel what I'm actually feeling underneath the desire for toast. And what am I feeling? It could be anything: a momentary irritation, a splinter of grief or a drop of sadness. This small practice welcomes the presence of Grace into my life as I am in that moment and leads to the possibility of union, of being at home in my body....being at ease with life.

What is your "toast"? What small, essential thing can you release to make room for Grace?

Eat less, move more and give up the toast.

Day 5: Waking Up As September Ends

2007-09-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

As September ends, I'm feeling a sense of relief. It's been a busy month. If this month had been a piece of music, it would have had a Charlie Parker-be-bop feel. Rhythm, energy, dissonance and harmony. The kind of music that, once you think you "have" it goes off in a new direction.

Both of my older children, Calvin and Henry are in middle school now -- 7th and 6th grade respectively. And Roger is in 2nd. The way I figure it the older boys are responsible to about a dozen individual teachers each. Fortunately Roger is in a 1st/2nd grade multi-age class so he has the same (one) teacher he had last year. This month has been about transitions and settling into a new routine. But last week we saw the emerging routine busted up when Calvin fractured the humerus in his left arm while skateboarding. It's an easy break -- four weeks in a sling and he'll be healed....just in time for basketball. It a huge thing for him. No piano. No saxophone. No falling down.

After I wrote this paragraph yesterday morning, I stopped, took my hands off the computer and waited. My mind was completely flooded and overflowing with thoughts. It's the end of the month and I need to reassess. What is possible now? What are my priorities?

A month ago, we were deep and comfortable with summer rhythm. I taught two Sunrise Yoga classes at the Y and that was it. Summer rhythm was all about doing less and letting things (and kids) be. The boys built forts and roamed. Roger learned to ride a bike. Calvin and Henry became enthralled by their skateboards. Summer "time" was spacious. Mike spent most of the summer working on his parents house and tending our garden. I teach yoga but Mike's the real deal, someone who lives his practice. He does one thing at a time and he does it with full attention more times than not. Whether it is caring for his parents, tending the garden, volunteering in the community as an EMT or playing his violin, he is attentive to his work. More on that later.

A month later, sitting in front of the computer, I realize that I'm not longer the relaxed Mom. There are schedules to be met....and yes, there is one posted on the refrigerator door that has a general overview of our schedule in addition to the family calendar which hangs next to the Galway Central School Calendar. And the schedule and two calendars all bow in respect to the small notebook calendar I carry with me at all times. That's the standard....the Greenwich Mean Time of Calendars in our family.

Today, the day is free and empty. As I sat in front of the computer, I realized that I had about five hours to calm my mind's choppy waters. I packed up my journal and headed toward Saratoga Springs. When I feel like this, the possibilities for clarity are always greater for me sitting in Borders with a pot of tea, the comfort of books and the quiet companionship of the other early morning bookstore types. For those of you who live in Saratoga Springs, I love Uncommon Grounds (especially since it's been renovated) and Mike and Jon's place on Broadway (the Clean Bean -- my very favorite) are wonderful, but there's nothing like sipping tea and writing while surrounded by all those books. I've told the boys that when I was their age, it would have been unheard of for a bookstore to offer comfortable seat, food and beverage to enjoy while you shop! I feel Grace on early mornings in Borders and I suspect my quiet companions, working on laptops or, often, writing in journals or reading feel the same. There aren't nearly as many people hurrying to get their coffee and head out the door, talking on a phone continuously. In fact, in the 3 hours I spent at Borders, I didn't hear a single person on a cell phone in the cafe.

Grace can make an appearance over a cup of tea. More what I learned during my sojourn tomorrow.....or the next quiet time I find to connect

Blessings to you right now --

Lisa

Day 3: Happiness Runs In a Circular Motion

2007-09-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Happiness runs in a circular motion.

Love is like a little boat upon the sea.

Everybody is a part of everything anyway.

You can have it all if you let yourself be.

Donovan

I LOVE this song and I remember learning it as a child (although I learned and still HEAR the last line as "You can be happy if you let yourself be".

One of the blessings of rural life is living a quiet road. There's some traffic in a the mornings as we're on one of the main routes to school but it's pretty quiet. This morning I ran about 2.5 miles. That's shorter than usual, but I got hit by a virus last week and I'm still not feeling quite up to par. Usually, I try to run between 3 and 5 miles a day, 6 days a week.

I use the term "run" loosely. A little over a year ago, I was a mess. I signed up for a group weight-loss program at the YMCA where I teach yoga, stepped up my personal yoga practice, began letting go of some commitments that were no longer working (and were adding stress to my life) and decided that I would run.

At first, it was about a minute of slow jogging for every 4 minutes of walking on a flat treadmill. Now, I am happiest running the roads around my home in upstate New York, with their rolling hills. My neighbors are friendly and encouraging. Many of them said, "I see you out walking -- that's great." The first time I heard this I was just deflated. You see, in my mind, I had just finished a very FAST run. Then another person said the same thing. I replied, "Thank you and actually, I am running. It may not look fast and strong, but it sure feels that way."

A year and 35 pounds lighter, I am running. I am strong. Fast? I've realized that I'm not sure what "fast" feels like. So I play with fast on the treadmill. When I was young, I was very pigeon-toed and wore heavy corrective shoes. I didn't run. My feet were the object of a lot of attention and I felt very self-conscious. This running that I'm doing now? The five year-old inside who desperately wanted to run is having a blast.

This mornings run was not long, but long enough to feel the warmth of the sun, to see a few leaves tumble from the trees and all the while the Donovan song is playing in my head.

Happiness runs. Happiness also floats. Check out Naomi Shihab Nye's poem "So Much Happiness".

But happiness floats.

It doesn't need you to hold it down.

It doesn't need anything.

As I ran this morning, I felt aligned with happiness. I felt the warmth of its light as sure as I felt the warmth of the sun. When I run, I can let everything be, even my thoughts. I let go of the drama and intensity of getting 3 kids off to school. I let go of the work that I had to do when I got home. I just ran.

Today Grace is running on the roads near my home, with happiness floating just above me.

What is the connection between happiness and Grace? They are old friends.

DAY 2: Endings and Beginnings

2007-09-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

How often do we begin a project or a relationship or job or school or journey anything in life without a specific outcome or destination in mind?

I had a very specific vision of this 1000 days. I knew there would be challenging times. I saw myself rising to every challenge with courage, creativity. I saw myself finding a place to practice under any kind of circumstance. The fact that I was tired and just fell asleep was a decidely unremarkable end to this cycle of my practice.

It's been a busy few weeks. The boys started school (Calvin and Henry are both in middle school now) and Roger's in second grade. Mike was busy with work and the bounty from our garden. My yoga classes are thriving. Then, last Tuesday, while Mike was off hiking in the Adirondacks, Calvin fell from his skateboard and broke his arm (proximal humerus). As breaks go, it's a good one. He'll need 4 weeks in a sling (no cast) to recover. I sustained my practice through the days of the emergency room visit, the orthopedic appointment to confirm the ER diagnosis and my bout with a virus a few days later. It wasn't until everything was calm again, when Mike had returned home and I had recovered that I forgot.

Here's what I learned about this week.

There are going to be beginnings and endings in this 1000 day practice. On some level, this 1000 day practice will be from Thursday, August 16, 2007 through Wednesday, May 12, 2010. That's the day I received "the call" to commit to this practice.

Then, there's the 1000 day practice from Thursday, August 23, 2007 through Wednesday, May 17, 2010. That's the day I started over after realizing that I needed to do the GGM morning and evening.

And now, there's the practice that goes from Monday, September 24, 2007 through Sunday, July 20, 2010. I hesitate to even call it 1000 practice. Right now, I'm looking toward 40 days: November 2, 2007. That's enough for now.

The World Card (XXI) Gaia in my Tarot deck is the last card in the Major Arcana. Perhaps it tells me that I have completed something in my life, even if I can't exactly identify what that "something" is. Maybe I'm being reminded that no matter when I am in my meditation, the important part is to practice and not to be to attached to the form of the practice. So, if I forget and need to start over? I start over. We'll see how many times I start over during the next 1000 days. Can I stay out of my own way and let the practice unfold? We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm beginning to experience the morning and evening practice as sturdy bookends to my day. I awaken with the practice and set an intention to live in Grace. I end the day with the practice and invite a sense of gratitude for everything in my life as it is right now.

Day 39, Day 32, Day 1..."repetition is not failure"

2007-09-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

I forgot my evening practice last night.

I didn't blow it off and just go to bed, I just went to bed and feel fast asleep.

The good news, it was a restful sleep after a restless week.

So, I begin again.

As I write this, it is early morning and I have to get the boys off to school, but I feel compelled to write SOMETHING to mark this morning....the first day of autumn, the 3rd first day of my 1000 day meditation, Monday morning. It's going to be a beautiful day. May it be filled with grace.

In the mornings, I draw a card from a tarot deck (Kris Waldherr's "The Goddess Tarot"). I held the deck close to my heart and said, "On this day, Monday, September 24th, I am grateful for everything in my life as it is right now." As I heard these words, my mind kept up a mantra: day one, day one, day one.....and I felt a lingering sense of judgment mixed with expectation and anticipation. I felt a sense of relief and sadness in the starting over. I drew the card for today.

It is XXI, THE WORLD/GAIA. This is the final card in what is known as the Major Arcana. It symbolizes expansion, interconnection and hope.

So I begin again. Day 39, Day 32, Day 1. It's all good.

In THE BOOK OF AWAKENING, Mark Nepo writes:

Repetition is not failure.

Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind.

There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how old or young, no matter how many times we have to start over, no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson.

I feel grace when I read these words:

Repetition is not failure.

Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind.

So I begin again.

The Grace of God Meditation (the GGM)

2007-09-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

According to Shakti Parwha Kaur Khalsa, in her book KUNDALINI YOGA: THE FLOW OF ETERNAL POWER, the Grace of God Meditation is a very powerful affirmation. "The GGM is designed to evoke and manifest the inner Grace, strength and radiance of each woman....By practicing this meditation, a woman's thoughts and behavior, personality and projection become aligned with the infinite beauty and nobility unveiled by the mantra."

If you are reading this and you are a man, don't worry. Yogi Bhajan did not exclude you from the practice. It's about perspective. From the yogic perspective, woman is SHAKTI, the feminine aspect of God, the power through which God created creation itself. More from Shakti Parwha: "Woman is the embodiment of God's power. The word Shakti means 'God's power in manifestation' Adi Shakti is the Primal Power". That primal power has been worshipped for centuries in the form of Goddesses. " The mantra for men is slightly different than the mantra for women. Men practice living IN the Grace of God, while women practice accepting themselves AS the Grace of God. If you are a man who has worked with this practice (or are working with this practice) I am very interested in your experiences and the ways that a man's practice is similar to or different from a woman's practice.

According to Shakti Parwha, the GGM was given to a group of women yoga students in San Francision, California on September 22, 1970. The women asked Yogi Bhajan how to control and channel their powerful, sometimes overwhelming emotions. "For the first time, he taught the special meditation that is designed to awaken the power of the Adi Shakti, the Goddess, within each woman.

You may be thinking that this meditation is loaded with verbal landmines, words like God, Goddess, Primal Power, Men, Women. Yes, it is. I am certain that this journey will take us through some pretty interesting territory and you may have a bit of an allergic reaction to some of the words. That's okay. I've had some allergic reactions too. If you are allergic to the word God, just take a deep breath. Maybe this will be an opportunity to dive underneath your reactions to words, ideas and concepts that you think are already clearly defined. If there is one rule for our journey together, this is it:

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK.

Here' the practice, offered to you exactly how it was offered to me 5 years ago.

GRACE OF GOD MEDITATION (GGM)

PART I

Lie on the back, fully relaxing the face and body. The eyes are closed.

MANTRA:

I AM GRACE OF GOD (woman)

I AM IN THE GRACE OF GOD (man)

INHALE deeply. Hold the breath in while silently repeating the mantra 10 TIMES.

You can tense your fingers one at a time to help keep count.

EXHALE all the air out. Hold it out and silently repeat the mantra 10 TIMES.

Continue this process of repeating the mantra 10 TIMES on each INHALE and

10 TIMES on each EXHALE, for a total of 5 INHALATIONS and 5 EXHALATIONS.

This totals 100 silent repetitions.

PART II

Relax your breath and, with the eyes still closed, slowly come sitting up into EASY

POSE (sit comfortably).

Bring the right hand into GYAN MUDRA (index finger curled under thumb, other

fingers extended, palm up, wrist resting on knee, elbow straight)

The left hand is held up by the left shoulder, palm flat and facing forward. This

is called the "vow" position. Your hand is held up as if taking an oath.

Keep the breath relaxed and normal. Tense one finger of the left hand at a time, keeping

other fingers straight but relaxed. Meditation on the governing energy of that finger

the repeat 5 TIMES, I AM GRACE OF GOD or I AM IN THE GRACE OF GOD.

Continue this sequence for each finger moving from the little finger to the thumb.

Little Finger Mercury (water) the power to relate, communicate and make decisions
Ring Finger Sun/Venus (fire) physical health, grace and beauty
Middle Finger Saturn (air) channel emotion to devotion, patience
Index Finger Jupiter (ether) wisdom and expression, open space for change
Thumb (earth) positive ego

When both parts of the meditation are completed, lower the left hand and relax for a few minutes.

Some comments from the original instructions I received from Gurmukh (I'm not sure of the original source, but if anyone is and can let me know, that would be wonderful!):

It is said that when a woman practices this meditation for one year, her aura will become tipped with gold or silver and great strength and God's healing power will flow through her.

The technique of positive affirmation has been around for thousands of years. It is nothing new. Words increase in power through repetition, and when you are repeating truth, the impact is enormous. Yogi Bhajan gave us this meditation, which is one of the most powerful affirmations a woman can do. The fact is, woman IS the Grace of God. Woman is Shakti. The problem is, she doesn't know it.

This meditation is designed to evoke and manifest the inner grace, strength and radiance of each woman. It helps her tune in directly with the Adi Shakti, the Primal Power within her own being. It empowers a woman to channel her emotions in a positive direction, strengthen her weaknesses, develop mental clarity and effective communication, and gives her the patience to go through the tests of her own karma. It enables her to merge the limited ego into Divine Will, as well as improve her physical health.

By practicing this meditation a woman's thoughts, behavior, personality and projection become aligned with the infinite beauty and nobility unveiled by the mantra. It balances the five elements (earth, air, fire, water, ether). The amazing thing is, this is such an easy meditation to do! You might pass it over because it is so simple, and not realize what a profound effect it can have on your life.

Practice it faithfully TWICE A DAY FOR 40 DAYS.

It is recommended for women going through menopause to practice is 5 TIMES A DAY.

Practice it on an empty stomach.

What is Grace?

2007-09-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

What is Grace?

My falling-apart college dictionary defines Grace in many ways:

elegance or beauty of form, manner or motion
a pleasing or attractive quality
favor or goodwill
mercy or clemency
the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God
the condition of being in God's favor
a short prayer before or after a meal
to adorn or decorate

This past August, on the second day of a seven-day retreat with Kundalini Yoga teacher Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa, she began to speak of Grace. The name of the retreat at the Omega Center for Holistic Studies in Rhinecliff, New York was MAGNIFICENT GRACE. "Grace is untouchable," she said. "When we open to the understanding of true Grace, we are kissed by God."

That morning, Gurmukh began to speak of Grace in terms of what Grace is not. As she spoke, my mind was immediately flooded with memories of times in my life when I felt "out of Grace". Times when I have not acted in an elegant manner, have not nurtured a pleasing quality, have not offered goodwill or mercy toward othersw, and have rejected the freely-given, unmerited favor of God. My heart sank with grief and my belly began to tighten, resisting the ebb and flow of my breath. I sat quietly with this (I was in the front of the room and there was no escape). Breathing deeply, I felt a sense of stepping back from the intensity of the emotions and began to marvel at my monkey mind. As I watched my mind jump from ungraceful moment to ungraceful moment with glee, I realized that my mind LOVES this kind of work! I felt a knowing of what Grace is not...not so much in the events I remembered but in my habitual way of storing these events as truth. I smiled. I saw the gift in each moment. Understanding what Grace is not, by connecting to times when I acted out of fear, the root of my selfish behavior, I began to feel a compassionate response, an opening of my heart. My belly softened and my breath flowed deeply and easily.

I heard Gurmukh's voice. "In order to define Grace, let's identify when we feel Grace in our lives." One by one, each of us stood and completed the phrase 'I feel Grace when _____." I witnessed the others stand and speak of when they felt Grace in their lives. It was a wide variety of experiencing and included nature, children, animals and silence. I found myself unable to stand up that day and express anything. I felt raw and vulnerable and unsure of myself.

As the retreat unfolded, I felt two streams of my life merging.

One stream that, although often hidden and unrecognized, has always been in Grace. This stream is steady, deep and strong.

The second stream ismore easily accessible, shallow, winding and filled with bright-shiny objects. This second stream is filled with my adventures in this world. It is the stream of ideas and plans and the illusion that I am in charge of my life.

Each of us has two streams in our lives and to live in Grace I believe that those streams mut merge and flow as one. How do we do this?

For me, it's about practice.

In the Kundalini Yoga tradition as taught by Yoga Bhajan, meditation often focuses on breath, mantra and mental focus while holding a posture for a specific period of time (11 minutes is common). In much the same way that there are specific periods of time, there are specific cycles of time that help change old habits and develop new ones. It takes 40 days to change a habit and 90 days to confirm a habit. At 120 days, the new habit is who you are and upon completion of 1000 days, you have mastered the new habit. I have completed five 40-day cycles over the past five years, working with meditations requested from Gurmukh.

I have made a commitment to practice the Grace of God Meditation (GGM) for 1000 days. It is a "short" meditation that is practiced twice a day, morning and evening. It is less rigorous than many of the meditations given by Yogi Bhajan, but it is, nonetheless, demanding. If I miss a day or a single practice, I must begin again. As I write this, I'm on Day 11, having already started over once. I felt the call to begin the GGM while on retreat and was working off my memory of the meditation. I practiced once a day in the morning for a week before I read the instructions (another habit that keeps me "out of Grace").

I am sharing this journey in Grace. For the next 1000 days I hope to explore Grace as a vital presence in my life with vision and devotion. I'm also curious about Grace as a theological, cultural and intellectual concept. And I want to know about other people's experience of Grace.

When do you feel Grace in your life?

When do you find yourself resisting the experience of Grace?

I'm not sure how often I'll post. I'd like to say that I'll post each and every day but I'm not going to promise what I don't think I can deliver. My intention is to chronicle my experiences and connect with others who find themselves drawn to a life centered in Grace. Please post your thoughts and experiences. I have a vision of a community of Grace. Most of all, I have faith that through practice and a honest willingness to share the journey with others that I will come to understand, accept and welcome the presence and gift of Grace in my life.

Blessings to you on this bright, clear September evening.