Day 52: What I Know For Sure

I'm not feeling at ease with the pace of my life right now. One event in the past two weeks highlighted areas of tension and stress in my life and areas of grace and well-being.

I led a "Lose To Win" class at the Y for my dear friend Paula. It's a weight-loss program that meets weekly. I found the program -- the combination of support and accountability to be invaluable over the last year. Facilitating the class gave me an opportunity to review the past year. I printed out a chart of my weekly weigh-ins to show the participants what it looks like to lose 35 pounds in a year. I also made a list for them of "What I Know For Sure."

Here it is:

• What you practice grows stronger.
• Focus on paying attention to your life and increasing the quality of your life.
• Give up one small, meaningful thing/food.
• Keep one small, meaningful thing/food.
• Allow for sane indulgences.
• Sit down and slow down when you eat.
• Weigh in once a week.
• Get honest about what you eat....keep a food journal.
• Get honest about how much you move...keep activity journal.
• Get enough sleep.
• Lighten up! Smile!
• Cultivate gratitude.
• Treat yourself with kindness.
• Let other people do it their way.
• Breathe!
• Notice when you compare yourself with others. Ask youself, "What's up with this?"
• Notice how you are spending your money.
• Notice how you are spending your time
• Notice how you are spending your energy.
• Gather support.
• Look for a few people to support you unconditionally.
• Trust your support team to give you a kick in your ass when you need it.
• Be willing to change.
• Be willing to feel discomfort.
  Notice when you complain.
• Practice restraint.
• What are you willing to change about your behavior?
• What are you willing to change about yourself?
• What are you unwilling to change?
• Remember: when change seems impossible, acceptance is available.
• Eat simple foods.
• Learn to wait. Patience pays.
• Sweat every day.
• Explore your personal superstitions.
• Eat breakfast.

This list is in the order it fell out of my head...much as this blog "falls" out of my head. It is about the energy of first thoughts, first images, first feelings. I don't spend a lot of time crafting these entries. This blog is about process, not product.

As I review these entries and as I led the class, I was astonished by how much I had changed over the past year through these practices. I was also astonished by how much resistance and stubborness was still present. Yoga, Meditation, Prayer, Teaching, Marriage, Friendship, Eating....all practices. At this point in my life, I know with certainty that I am a beginner, a learner. I feel humbled, supported and loved by these practices. Grace.

I feel tension and stress about the pace of my life, about the pace of my sons' lives....they seem to be growing and changing with each breath....about the challenging health of my in-laws and my husband's growing responsibility for their care. I feel shaken by my sister-in-law's diagnosis of cancer.

I feel grace and well-being as well. I'm finding it challenging to check in with or identify sometimes, but I feel it there, every present. Even in the midst of November sadness, even when a dear woman looked at me and spoke gently of my grief. Yes, there is tension, stress, sadness and grief....and it is all contained in a spacious container of grace.

Day 40: Light and Shadows

After "starting over" twice, my first 40 days is complete. As Gurmukh wrote regarding 40-day meditations, "40 days has historically been known as a very sacred time period. It is the length of time referred to in many ancient scriptures for enacting change. Doing something for 40 days can make or break a habit in a person. If you are consistent in your personal practice, it can clear old subconscious patterns, set up new positive patterns, and change your life for the better."

During this first 40 days I've been focused on settling in to the rhythm. I began in late summer and now, winter is fast approaching. Some years, I ease into the rhythm of the fall. This year there were a lot of fits and starts, not just with the 40 day practice but in all areas of my life. Nothing was simple and easy. Calvin broke his arm. Henry got braces. Roger had a hard time transitioning to 2nd grade and the increased need to settle down. Big changes. My children are no longer small and their needs have changed. I've had to spend time exploring my habits as a mother in order to respond. I have to learn to respond to where they are now -- not where they were or where they might someday be. I feel like much of my life is filled with light and shadows. I began to ask for support in moving between the light and shadows....letting my life and the pace of my life be spacious enough to hold the light and shadows, the comfortable and the uncomfortable.

So my next milestone is 90 days. It takes 40 days to change a habit. 90 days to confirm the habit.

I don't believe that it is a coincidence that this first 40 day cycle of the larger 1000 day cycle is ending on November 2nd. My father passed away on November 2, 1981. I feel his presence strongly right now. He was 46 when he died and I will turn 46 on my birthday next month. My intention between now and day 90 (Saturday, December 22nd) is to explore my relationship with him...to gain insight and understanding. My sense is that there is much to discover in the next 50 days. As the Goddess Tarot card I drew stated, I have been given an "opportunity to work through the "manure" of my past to better fertilize my life". The card was ESTSANATLEHI or "Changing Woman", the benevolent corn goddess.

Blessing to you on this day of light and shadows.

Day 39: Trick-or-Treating with Dick Cheney

It's day 39 and I am well. Last night I went trick-or-treating with Dick Cheney. A few months ago, my oldest son, Calvin, 12, decided he wanted to be Dick Cheney for Halloween. I wasn't so sure about it. At first, I was dead set against it. We live in a small, conservative town and, as the local yoga teacher, I am definitely an NPR-listening, school wellness policy-supporting, pro-choice democrat (I think there may be an even dozen of us now) who thinks it's insane that gay marriage is even an issue. I just didn't see an upside to dressing up as the Vice President.....even without a shotgun. Also, our plans included standing on our church's doorstep (the Methodist church, right smack dab in the center of town), handing out candy and glow-in-the dark bracelets and asking for UNICEF donations. It just seemed a bit over the top.
But Calvin persisted and I finally agreed. The mask covers his head completely and comes with glasses. He added a $1 men's suit coat from the City Mission Thrift store and he was good to go.
And I set to fretting and worrying. What would happen? Would people give "Dick Cheney" candy? Would people think that he was pro-Bush/Cheney and the vision of America? Would people think he was being disrespectful? What if....what if....what if...my mind reeled in anticipation of danger. I was filled with fear about what might happen.
Then I looked up the definition of fear. Fear is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by the anticipation or awareness of danger. Aha! Fear so often happens in response to what MIGHT occur, not in response to what is ACTUALLY occurring. Go figure. I am mostly frightened by what might happen. When I write this, I realize fear is not all that scary anymore.
Last night, Calvin donned the mask and suit. It was eerie and hysterically funny and very disconcerting to hear his calm voice emanating from the mask. From a distance, he looked like the Vice President. I took a deep breath and told him, "If you're going to be Dick Cheney, own it. Respond to people as the Vice President. Don't explain, just enjoy."
Calvin was the hit of the evening. People just laughed. Some were actually startled because to them, he just looked like an old guy coming down the street. Everyone enjoyed a visit from the Vice President. The highlight of his evening was when he approached Mrs. D.'s door. Now, Mrs. D. is old school. To get a treat, you have to work for it -- dance, sing -- you have to do something. She took one look at Calvin and, without missing a beat, said, "I am honored that you have come to my house to trick-or-treat, Mr. Vice President."
When I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Sometime the most unexpected situations carry grace. Last night, a 12 year old boy dressed as Dick Cheney was the most graceful presence of the evening. I am thankful that I relaxed and made space for it to happen.
And the rest of the month?
I revised my October entry into a piece for NPR's series "This I Believe"....otherwise known as NPR's version of America Idol. I didn't make "the cut" to read it over the air, but am so happy to see it published on their website. Check out http://www.thisibelieve.org/. Go to Search Database and search "temoshok" and you'll go right to my essay. I encourage you to try your hand at it. Calvin is working on one for school ("I believe in Alfred E. Newman"). There are some very wonderful essays on the site.