Day 52: What I Know For Sure

I'm not feeling at ease with the pace of my life right now. One event in the past two weeks highlighted areas of tension and stress in my life and areas of grace and well-being.

I led a "Lose To Win" class at the Y for my dear friend Paula. It's a weight-loss program that meets weekly. I found the program -- the combination of support and accountability to be invaluable over the last year. Facilitating the class gave me an opportunity to review the past year. I printed out a chart of my weekly weigh-ins to show the participants what it looks like to lose 35 pounds in a year. I also made a list for them of "What I Know For Sure."

Here it is:

• What you practice grows stronger.
• Focus on paying attention to your life and increasing the quality of your life.
• Give up one small, meaningful thing/food.
• Keep one small, meaningful thing/food.
• Allow for sane indulgences.
• Sit down and slow down when you eat.
• Weigh in once a week.
• Get honest about what you eat....keep a food journal.
• Get honest about how much you move...keep activity journal.
• Get enough sleep.
• Lighten up! Smile!
• Cultivate gratitude.
• Treat yourself with kindness.
• Let other people do it their way.
• Breathe!
• Notice when you compare yourself with others. Ask youself, "What's up with this?"
• Notice how you are spending your money.
• Notice how you are spending your time
• Notice how you are spending your energy.
• Gather support.
• Look for a few people to support you unconditionally.
• Trust your support team to give you a kick in your ass when you need it.
• Be willing to change.
• Be willing to feel discomfort.
  Notice when you complain.
• Practice restraint.
• What are you willing to change about your behavior?
• What are you willing to change about yourself?
• What are you unwilling to change?
• Remember: when change seems impossible, acceptance is available.
• Eat simple foods.
• Learn to wait. Patience pays.
• Sweat every day.
• Explore your personal superstitions.
• Eat breakfast.

This list is in the order it fell out of my head...much as this blog "falls" out of my head. It is about the energy of first thoughts, first images, first feelings. I don't spend a lot of time crafting these entries. This blog is about process, not product.

As I review these entries and as I led the class, I was astonished by how much I had changed over the past year through these practices. I was also astonished by how much resistance and stubborness was still present. Yoga, Meditation, Prayer, Teaching, Marriage, Friendship, Eating....all practices. At this point in my life, I know with certainty that I am a beginner, a learner. I feel humbled, supported and loved by these practices. Grace.

I feel tension and stress about the pace of my life, about the pace of my sons' lives....they seem to be growing and changing with each breath....about the challenging health of my in-laws and my husband's growing responsibility for their care. I feel shaken by my sister-in-law's diagnosis of cancer.

I feel grace and well-being as well. I'm finding it challenging to check in with or identify sometimes, but I feel it there, every present. Even in the midst of November sadness, even when a dear woman looked at me and spoke gently of my grief. Yes, there is tension, stress, sadness and grief....and it is all contained in a spacious container of grace.