My falling-apart college dictionary defines Grace in many ways:
- elegance or beauty of form, manner or motion
- a pleasing or attractive quality
- favor or goodwill
- mercy or clemency
- the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God
- the condition of being in God's favor
- a short prayer before or after a meal
- to adorn or decorate
This past August, on the second day of a seven-day retreat with Kundalini Yoga teacher Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa, she began to speak of Grace. The name of the retreat at the Omega Center for Holistic Studies in Rhinecliff, New York was MAGNIFICENT GRACE. "Grace is untouchable," she said. "When we open to the understanding of true Grace, we are kissed by God."
That morning, Gurmukh began to speak of Grace in terms of what Grace is not. As she spoke, my mind was immediately flooded with memories of times in my life when I felt "out of Grace". Times when I have not acted in an elegant manner, have not nurtured a pleasing quality, have not offered goodwill or mercy toward othersw, and have rejected the freely-given, unmerited favor of God. My heart sank with grief and my belly began to tighten, resisting the ebb and flow of my breath. I sat quietly with this (I was in the front of the room and there was no escape). Breathing deeply, I felt a sense of stepping back from the intensity of the emotions and began to marvel at my monkey mind. As I watched my mind jump from ungraceful moment to ungraceful moment with glee, I realized that my mind LOVES this kind of work! I felt a knowing of what Grace is not...not so much in the events I remembered but in my habitual way of storing these events as truth. I smiled. I saw the gift in each moment. Understanding what Grace is not, by connecting to times when I acted out of fear, the root of my selfish behavior, I began to feel a compassionate response, an opening of my heart. My belly softened and my breath flowed deeply and easily.
I heard Gurmukh's voice. "In order to define Grace, let's identify when we feel Grace in our lives." One by one, each of us stood and completed the phrase 'I feel Grace when _____." I witnessed the others stand and speak of when they felt Grace in their lives. It was a wide variety of experiencing and included nature, children, animals and silence. I found myself unable to stand up that day and express anything. I felt raw and vulnerable and unsure of myself.
As the retreat unfolded, I felt two streams of my life merging.
One stream that, although often hidden and unrecognized, has always been in Grace. This stream is steady, deep and strong.
The second stream ismore easily accessible, shallow, winding and filled with bright-shiny objects. This second stream is filled with my adventures in this world. It is the stream of ideas and plans and the illusion that I am in charge of my life.
Each of us has two streams in our lives and to live in Grace I believe that those streams mut merge and flow as one. How do we do this?
For me, it's about practice.
In the Kundalini Yoga tradition as taught by Yoga Bhajan, meditation often focuses on breath, mantra and mental focus while holding a posture for a specific period of time (11 minutes is common). In much the same way that there are specific periods of time, there are specific cycles of time that help change old habits and develop new ones. It takes 40 days to change a habit and 90 days to confirm a habit. At 120 days, the new habit is who you are and upon completion of 1000 days, you have mastered the new habit. I have completed five 40-day cycles over the past five years, working with meditations requested from Gurmukh.
I have made a commitment to practice the Grace of God Meditation (GGM) for 1000 days. It is a "short" meditation that is practiced twice a day, morning and evening. It is less rigorous than many of the meditations given by Yogi Bhajan, but it is, nonetheless, demanding. If I miss a day or a single practice, I must begin again. As I write this, I'm on Day 11, having already started over once. I felt the call to begin the GGM while on retreat and was working off my memory of the meditation. I practiced once a day in the morning for a week before I read the instructions (another habit that keeps me "out of Grace").
I am sharing this journey in Grace. For the next 1000 days I hope to explore Grace as a vital presence in my life with vision and devotion. I'm also curious about Grace as a theological, cultural and intellectual concept. And I want to know about other people's experience of Grace.
When do you feel Grace in your life?
When do you find yourself resisting the experience of Grace?
I'm not sure how often I'll post. I'd like to say that I'll post each and every day but I'm not going to promise what I don't think I can deliver. My intention is to chronicle my experiences and connect with others who find themselves drawn to a life centered in Grace. Please post your thoughts and experiences. I have a vision of a community of Grace. Most of all, I have faith that through practice and a honest willingness to share the journey with others that I will come to understand, accept and welcome the presence and gift of Grace in my life.
Blessings to you on this bright, clear September evening.
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